


I Like Your Dog (He's Out of this World)

by Hornet394



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alien dog, Aliens, Attempt at Humor, Dick Jokes, Humor, M/M, Obscure references to things no one even knows about, Outdated references to things no one talks about anymore, Suspected Cheating, Swearing, Tentacles, some violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2019-01-29 03:47:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12622488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hornet394/pseuds/Hornet394
Summary: “Hunnie, Vivi’s an alien.” Yixing says groggily over breakfast one day. Vivi’s ears twitch.“Yep.” Sehun agrees.





	I Like Your Dog (He's Out of this World)

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt #206 for exonaut round 1 :DD
> 
> Seriously this is just a ridiculous crack fic that doesn’t seem like a crack fic but I wrote the ending as I watched Jacksepticeye’s South Park gameplay and Mattshea’s Cuphead streams so yeah
> 
> thanks to my beautiful beta once again!!

Yixing is not unfamiliar with Vivi. Well, a bit too familiar, if Yixing were to be asked, but he’s not going to say it to his boyfriend’s face.

Sometimes, Yixing wonders if Sehun loves Vivi more than he loves Yixing.

Sometimes.

Not always.

Definitely not always.

“Your dog is watching us,” is what Yixing always says, and it is no different now.

“That dog has a name,” Sehun huffs, “Now get a move on, won’t you?”

“Not if you give me a kiss,” Yixing says cheekily, but Sehun just rolls his eyes and takes the heavy box off Yixing’s hands. “I told you not to carry those ones,” Sehun continues, “What if you hurt your waist again?”

“I’ll be fine,” Yixing laughs, but lets his boyfriend take the box off his hands. “It’s the last one anyways.”

“True,” Sehun says, hefting the box into the bedroom where it belongs, “Vivi, come along.” Sehun’s white fluffball of a dog trots back inside the house, clearly pleased that all his ~~servants~~ masters have moved all of the dog stuff into the house.

Sehun sits down on the pale green leather couch Yixing’s mother had given them as a housewarming gift, and Vivi hops on, tail wagging.

Yixing swears to god, he is not jealous. He’s not jealous of a dog.

And then Sehun smiles brightly, eyes crinkling up into two fine lines, arms lifted up towards Yixing like a little boy asking for a hug from his mother.

And Yixing’s heart melts into a puddle of goo.

He falls into his lover’s arms, and Sehun envelops him in a warm embrace. “This is our new home, hyung.” Sehun plants a light kiss onto Yixing’s hair.

“Home sweet home.” Yixing chuckles, tilting his head up to touch his lips with Sehun’s. Just a gentle caress, just like coming home.

Let’s just face it, Yixing is a particularly sappy narrator. Not the most inventive, either. A hand slips underneath Yixing’s shirt, and Yixing returns the favour by throwing one of his legs around Sehun’s pert ass, pressing him closer.

“Bedroom?” Sehun breathes into Yixing’s ear.

Afterwards, the two of them lie on their bed, boxes still piled around the room. Yixing’s head is nestled into the crook of Sehun’s shoulder, sated and boneless.

“We should clean up.” Sehun says, and Yixing can feel the rumbles coming from his lover’s chest. “Later,” Yixing whines, “I want to cuddle.”

“Let’s do a round 2, then,” Sehun says teasingly, but Yixing is never one to back down from a challenge.

Yixing ends up riding Sehun so hard into the mattress that they fall asleep almost immediately, covered with each other’s cum and sweat.

//

Yixing wakes up with dog butt in his face. Groaning aloud, Yixing inches away from Vivi’s sleeping form and almost falls off the bed as a result, but Sehun’s hand is still around Yixing’s waist.

“Thank you for cleaning us up after I feel asleep,” Yixing mumbles, leaning over Vivi to give Sehun a morning kiss. His body feels like it had been washed thoroughly and gently, even his butt isn’t hurting that much.

“Vivi did it, not me,” his little boyfriend teases, eyes crinkling up with mirth, and Yixing slaps him on the arm. “I’ll go cook breakfast,” he says cheekily, “I expect to see this room unpacked when I get back.”

He leaps out of bed just in time to avoid Sehun’s attempt at blowing at his neck, and Yixing just slips on one of Sehun’s shirts and waddles to the kitchen, his lover groaning in bed with Vivi still sleeping softly.

As cocky as Yixing sounds, though, he’s actually really nervous. It’s not the first time he’s cooked for Sehun, but it’s the first time he’s cooked breakfast just for the two of them! In the past there had either been Yixing’s flatmates, or Sehun’s parents, but now, there was truly just the two of them.

An impertinent paw on Yixing’s leg makes him look down, and Vivi is staring at him anticipatorily, his dog bowl in his mouth.

Just the two of them.

He sets out a dish of scrambled eggs for Vivi by the dog’s cage - he’s long accepted that Sehun has fed Vivi human food for years and the dog has never gotten ill.

“Sehunnie, time to eat breakfast,” he calls, and Sehun shuffles out of the bedroom, hair freshly washed. Yixing puts the two dishes on the dining table and is about to say something romantic when scuffling draws his attention.

He and Sehun are sitting opposite one another on this 4 seat table. To Yixing’s left and Sehun’s right, Vivi sits there proudly, his dish between Sehun and Yixing’s.

“The dish was-” Yixing asks weakly, “You put the dish- He eats with us?”

“Of course!” Sehun says, matter-of-factly, “Vivi is our third family member.”

“Alright.” Yixing blinks, making himself calm down. This is just Sehun being his usual self. Everything is cool.

When Sehun is washing the dishes, Yixing goes and unpacks the rest of the boxes. It feels nice, slotting their lives together. Yixing’s clothes to the left, Sehun’s to the right. Their boxers have long mixed together, so Yixing just puts them all in one cupboard.

Sehun’s alarm clock goes on the bedside table, and in the first drawer Yixing puts their lube, condoms, and sex toys.

Moving to the study, Yixing struggles with all the cables and wires for a long while, and he’s crouching underneath one of the desks, trying to figure out where the hell the HDMI cable goes when a loud bark from behind him startles him, causing Yixing to hit his head on the table.

Vivi stares at Yixing.

“What do you want?” Yixing groans, rubbing the back of his head, and the puppy trots forward and tugs at the cable in Yixing’s hands.

“Hey hey hey no,” Yixing yelps, “Bad dog!” He tries to take it back, but Vivi has an insanely hard bite. He doesn’t want to tug it back either —if the cable tears Vivi may end up swallowing some of the fibre.

With a hard tug, the cable flies out of Yixing’s grasp and Vivi runs out with it, the end of the cable bopping along the floorboards as Yixing scrambles onto his feet (and hits his head on the table again) and dashes out after the dog.

“Vivi!” Yixing calls, but for the dog’s small size, he is a really quick dog. Yixing chases Vivi around the table, but he skids to a stop when he sees Vivi jabbing the end of the HDMI cable to this weirdly shaped thing in the thing. The plug slits in, and the TV at the other end of the room lights up, finally detecting a signal through the HDMI cable.

Vivi marches away with his tail lifted high, leaving Yixing to gape at the TV in his pyjamas.

And that was the first time that thought materialized in his head. It wasn’t one that had come out of nowhere - it had always been buried in his subconsciousness, existing but hiding. It now reared its ugly head, bleating out loud, screaming in full force. It exposed one of the ugliest, the most vile parts of Yixing, forcing him to face it head-on.

It was a notion that drove wedges into Yixing’s heart, forcing it apart, forcing the most vulnerable and fragile parts into the open, forcing Yixing to stare at it and wonder, how could he have such cruel thoughts?

He was doubting Sehun, his mind was doubting Sehun, betraying him - and this is his punishment as he lives with the guilt of ever coming up with such a thought.

Vivi is an alien.

//

Being able to put that thought into words opens new perspectives to Yixing. His rationality, however, is still screaming at him that aliens aren’t real, trying to displace his theory at every go.

Because it just doesn’t make sense, you see. Aliens don’t exist.

At least, aliens don’t get the love dogs get.

It’s over dinner when Yixing and Sehun are hammering out their holiday plans to Paris.

“...It’s not easy to get a dog on a plane.” Yixing says at some point, somewhat anticipating this direction of discussion.

“Ohana means family,” Sehun says, jutting his bottom lip out in a pout, “And family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. Besides, Vivi always wanted to go to Paris, we should bring him along.”

What does ohana even mean.

Yixing drags his tired body to the travel agency and starts asking about bringing a pet along, and of course, with their current budget, is quite impossible for all the preparatory work.

“That’s fine,” Sehun says when Yixing breaks the news over the phone, “Vivi will figure out a way.”

Yixing does not want to know what that means.

The day before the flight, he’s packing both Sehun and his suitcases. Vivi trots into the room, and Yixing looks up, unnerved. Vivi has a strap of a rucksack on his mouth, and he's tugging it along rather comically. A soft little bichon dragging a huge ass orange bag behind him. Hehe.

After Yixing snapchats it, Vivi is glaring at him, as if blaming Yixing for wasting his time. "Why doesn't Sehun make you an instagram, anyway." Yixing mutters out loud, taking the bag. Vivi suddenly raises his front paws up in a dog shrug.

Yixing looks away and opens the bag, immediately frowning. "Vivi's stuff?" Yixing asks aloud to no-one. Vivi barks harshly, and Yixing drops the bag into the suitcase.

Then he immediately takes it out. "Hey! Don't take up space in the suitcase if you're not coming." He scolds, and Vivi scampers off.

Five minutes later, it's Sehun who's tucking the rucksack into the suitcase with a sweet smile on his face, and what can Yixing do?

//

The flight to Paris is a long, tedious one, and Yixing is half-dead when they shuffle out of the airport and into the nearest taxi. A quick nap freshens him a bit, and then the two of them hit the streets, enjoying what Paris has to offer. A sweet, romantic dinner in a French restaurant, candlelight, sharing desserts, giggling like back in high school again.

A late night stroll just by the riverside, just walking along the bridges of Paris. Sweet, slow love-making, enjoying the soft sheets and the king-size bed, soft punctured moans filling the air, their eyes locked onto one another, gentle kisses as they worship each other's body.

The next day they start on the touristy places, touring around the palaces, enjoying a leisurely lunch in a restaurant with mussels and wine. Sehun gets an ugly hat that he puts on top of his head, with the hood of his sweater up, adamant on keeping it on for the rest of the day.

And Yixing falls in love with Sehun over and over again.

But he also hasn't forgotten the fact that Vivi was supposed to be on this trip, according to Sehun. And if Sehun says he would be here - the rucksack with Vivi's stuff is sitting in the wardrobe - then he would be here, right?

He half expects Vivi to suddenly materialize through walls, and when he's bathing he screams when the door suddenly opens, but it's just Sehun who wanted some kinky shower sex. It's starting to get a bit insane, and he's getting paranoid that Vivi's just been watching them all along.

They're enjoying room service and laughing at French TV when Vivi waddles out of the bathroom with a food bowl in his mouth.

"Vivi!" Sehun comes, leaping off the bed to cuddle the dog. Vivi licks a long, wet stripe on the side of Sehun's face, and Sehun pets Vivi's fluffy head indulgently.

“Did you smuggle Vivi onto the plane?” Yixing gapes, but also in relief that he's finally spared the paranoia of not knowing where the damn dog is.

“Nah,” Sehun says cheerfully, “He stuck to the underbelly of the plane. Am I right, Vivi?”

The dog barks in assent. _Yeah, right._ Yixing closes his eyes and falls back onto the bed, conveniently missing the news report of an unidentified object stuck to the bottom of an aircraft bound from Seoul to Paris.

Turns out he’d be very grateful for Vivi’s existence, because Sehun runs into his old teacher Junmyeon in Paris, and Yixing is abandoned with Vivi in his arms as the duo rides unicorns into the sunset.

“What do we do now?” Yixing sighs aloud. Vivi woofs unhappily. Then Yixing realizes Sehun had left his money with them.

Can't blame Yixing for spending money that's not his own, right?

Vivi drags him all over Paris, acting like a hyper-aggressive google maps when Yixing tries to go in another direction. They walk past luxury pet stores and Yixing totally glams out Vivi, starting with going to a high-end pet salon and giving Vivi the luxury treatment.

So, when Sehun comes pick them up 2 days later with a sorry look on his face, both Yixing and Vivi gives him the cold shoulder.

Sehun manages to convince Yixing to forgive him in bed, in the end.

Vivi takes a while longer, but Sehun does manage to get back into his good graces when he produces a video recorder out of nowhere and makes the dog the focus of half his videos.

(The other half, of course, has Yixing on the focus.)

(So cheesy ughhhh)

(But Yixing loves this part of Sehun as well.)

//

By the time they get back to their flat, both of them are swamped with work emails, Sehun more so, so Yixing's in charge of unpacking while Sehun takes a shower, getting ready for work the next day.

Yixing pulls out the video recorder from Sehun's suitcase, and he calls, "I'm putting the vid cam in the box on top of our closet, ok?"

“It’s empty?” Sehun asks, waddling into the bedroom with the clean clothes.

“Yeah, all the photos and videos are on your computer already,” Yixing says, and he puts the box on top of the wardrobe.

Sehun is there to catch him when he comes down, and Yixing’s smile widens even further when Sehun kisses his dimple.

Vivi barks loudly, then, and Yixing really almost trips over the ladder. Sehun just laughs and pecks him on the lips. “Let’s fix up lunch, and then we can get reacquainted with the bed, hmmm?”

"You have work tomorrow, Hunnie," Yixing laughs, "Shouldn't you be more worried about overcoming jet lag, kid?"

"I'm young," Sehun disagrees, "I recover quickly. Besides, screw work. All I want to do right now is fuck you so hard you can't walk tomorrow, old man."

Yixing lets him. As always.

//

“Hunnie, Vivi’s an alien.” Yixing says groggily over breakfast one day. Vivi’s ears twitch.

“Yep,” Sehun agrees, reaching for his cup of milk tea that Yixing had brewed, while still tapping away on his phone. His clumsy ass hands misses the cup, and Yixing watches everything in slow motion as it falls off the edge of the table sideways, brown milk tea sloshing out the rim as the cup descends out of sight.

Sehun’s shrill scream comes too late, or too early depending on how you’d see it. How did Yixing see it? Sorcery, that’s what he thinks, because there is no way Vivi just jumped up at the exact right moment and butts the milk tea back onto the table at an upright position. A drip of milk tea lands on Vivi’s forehead, but Sehun just pats him on the head. 

“Good boy,” Sehun says affectionately, moving his milk tea further in.

“Dogs can’t do gymnastics.” Yixing blurts out, and just as Vivi glares at him, Yixing shifts his elbow and knocks his own glass over.

It shatters on the ground.

//

Late night Buzzfeed.

“Is your partner an alien?”

Well, Vivi is his partner’s dog, so... it’s kind of the same thing, right? He clicks into it.

“What is their favourite colour? A. Blue B. White C. Pink D. Green”

Well, what was Vivi’s favourite colour? A sudden bark snaps Yixing’s attention away from the laptop, and he stares down to his left in horror to see Vivi’s black, beady eyes glaring at him.

Yixing quickly closes the window and goes back to work.

//

Yixing’s working in the study when he gets the email. Normally he’d just send it straight to trash, but the subject line catches his attention.

“Oh Sehun, EXPOSED!”

Yixing squints. This is Yixing’s work email, which means that it normally doesn’t get spam, or junk emails. Sehun wouldn’t sign up for any weird mailing lists with this email, either. Yixing’s rationality appeals to him to send it straight to trash, but the oddly specific subject sends warning bells right through his head.

A slow pattering of paws, and Yixing rolls his chair back slightly for Vivi to jump into his lap, a well-aimed paw straight in the balls. Nursing his pain, Yixing remains silent as Vivi’s eyes stare straight at the screen.

“I should open it, shouldn’t I?” Yixing murmurs, asking the alien dog. The alien dog nods.

_Click._

There’s a line of black text, and a link to a google drive folder.

I’m a friend. Thought you should take a look at these photos.

Yixing’s mouse hovers over the link, and he clicks it as well.

It’s a folder full of photos, clearly shot in secret. There’s Sehun, in the dark corners of a club, varying girls plastered all over him. There’s a giddy smile on Sehun’s face, high off alcohol and attention.

It’s not fair for Yixing to judge him - they met in a club, after all. Heavy beats that vibrated through their veins, bodies that had moved together like they were made for each other. They had been young, Sehun giddy in the first week of university, Yixing preening from alcohol and attention from an attractive man. Dark eyeliner, alcohol, brave touches and heavy breathing. Yixing and Sehun weren’t each other’s first, but maybe Yixing had expected them to be each other’s last.

Judging by the time stamp of the photo, or the fact that Yixing knows Sehun inside out, his wardrobe inside out, he was alone in such sentiments.

Vivi’s barks rouse him, and the room has turned inexplicably dark. The sunlight Yixing had been working with was now gone, and the monitor of his computer had also fallen asleep.

His phone was flashing with a notification. He unlocks it, thanking god for fingerprint locks as his fingers are shaking. A text message from Sehun - sorry sugar, mr tam wasnt happy with the contract. Hve overtime, dont wait up for me

Vivi barks again before Yixing loses his temper and throws his phone on the wall.

Yixing sighs and stands up, gingerly putting his phone on the table. There’s a pot of stew he can reheat, and he puts Vivi’s bowl opposite to his own on the table.

“I should trust him, shouldn’t I?” Yixing sighs, using the ladle to fill his bowl, before realizing that he hadn’t actually reheated the pot.

His feet drags along the floorboards as he moves to the kitchen, turning the gas on. Vivi jumps off the chair and follows. “I trust him.” Yixing says, louder.

The stew ends up being slightly burnt, but Yixing can’t tell the difference either way.

//

He puts that at the back of his head for a few nights, when Sehun is by his side. They could be working together, fucking, sleeping - these all help dispel the dark cloud that has settled over Yixing’s mind.

But the days when Sehun are busy are when the clouds come back in full force. Yixing’s graphic art is no longer fun, and his computer keeps going to sleep. Sometimes, he wakes up and he doesn't even want to take care of himself, so he just curls there and breathes in the smell of Sehun's body wash, until Vivi comes in and barks at him aggressively. If it was not for the dog, Yixing really didn't know how he could live with the seeds of doubt gnawing at his heart constantly.

Yixing isn't a good man. He doesn't earn half as much as Sehun. He doesn't know how to be a good husband, a good family member, especially not after he got kicked out by his father for coming out of the closet. He's five years older than Sehun. He's messy, uncoordinated, lazy. He's immature and impulsive, if the shopping spree in Paris was any indication. He's demanding, his waist injuries and constant strain of his arms and hands requiring him to not being able to really take care of Sehun when he comes back, even when the man is clearly exhausted from a long day of work.

It would make sense, that Sehun would get tired of him. Everyone likes younger people, right? They're more exciting. Girls, nonetheless. Must be nice, feeling the soft curves of a girl after laying with a man for so long.

It's the day after Yixing had finally caved and pressed his face to Vivi's fur and cried, the dog motionless and lapping at Yixing's tears softly as soundless sobs had wracked Yixing's body, unable to bear yet another night of not being next to Sehun, yet another night of doubting Sehun, yet another night of being eaten alive with guilt and suspicion in a painful juxtaposition.

It's the day that Sehun is finally having a day off after days of overtime that the envelope comes.

More photos. There are more than before. “What is it?” Sehun calls, and this time there’s no Vivi to stop Yixing from throwing the photos right into Sehun’s face.

Sehun recoils in shock, there’s a cut across his cheek. The photos are even more explicit than before, hands down pants and up skirts, shirts in disarray.

Both of them are trembling when Sehun takes a proper look. "Th- that's impossible." Sehun's voice is shaking. "This isn't me."

"You can't even be sure of this? Are you fucking kidding me? I bought you that tie a month ago!” Yixing hisses, “How dare- I- I need to go.”

“Wait, Yixing!” Sehun reaches out, but Yixing pushes past him. Vivi is growling low near the door, but Yixing gives the dog no heed and storms right out.

The night is dark and cold, but Yixing hadn't grabbed a jacket. He doesn't have his keys, or phone, or even wallet with him, but he's not going to turn around and go back. Blinded by fury, he almost walks straight into the line of a car, but the driver spots him early on enough and swerves just in time.

“FUCK YOU, OH SEHUN!”

Yixing screams into the night as he sits on the bench of a nearby park, knees drawn up to perch on the edge of the seat as he buries his face in his kneecaps. He has his slippers on, and they’re already trekked with mud, the cold seeping into Yixing’s very being.

Tears are welling in his eyes, but they’re not falling out, they refuse to fall out.

“FUCK YOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!”

Before he can follow up with another expletive, however, there are three shadows falling over him.

“Language, little Yixing.”

Yixing squeaks out in alarm, a violent blush rising up his cheeks at the sight of three seemingly high-class, professional men surrounding him.

Wait, how do you know my name?

“My name is Si Paohui,” the man at front self-introduces. He looks to be around thirty years of age, with narrow golden square frames perched on his nose and the beginnings of a goatee. “It is good to finally meet you face to face, little Xing.”

“Who the fuck are you?” Yixing blurts out, internally screaming for Sehun to come save him.

“We’ll need to break you out of that habit, little Xing.” Paohui grimaces, “Have you forgotten your etiquette education?”

Yixing narrows his eyes, a sense of danger creeping over him. No, Sehun, stay away.

“How did you know about that.” Yixing says with a flinty voice, “Did f- who told you about this?”

The old man sighs. “Little Xing, this peasant game of yours had to come to an end at some point, didn’t it? You are heir to a fast food empire after all. Enough of these unrealistic pursuits. It is time to settle down with someone of the same standing... someone like me."

"Are you even for real?" Yixing blurts out, "I'm heading home, if you would excuse me."

He unfolds his legs stiffly, getting up and trying to look as menacing as he can in pyjamas as he pushes past Paohui and his two henchmen.

He knows he's fucked when the two henchmen suddenly lash out and grab him by the arms, his flimsy, computer-oriented limbs easily manipulated by the two buff guys as they drag him back. He cries out once in alarm when something sharp pricks his neck.

"That will not do, Little Xing. We are to be married, after all. How could you run away from your husband?"

"Wh- wat?" Yixing can feel his muscles becoming more and more heavy, the power of gravity dragging his whole body onto the ground, and he's only held up by the henchmen.

"You see, it is now time for me to explain everything, just as my plan is about to succeed," Paohui laughs maniacally, then collects himself. "I am the youngest son of my family, and I will not inherit anything when my father dies. So, I had a little talk with your father. He's completely given up the idea of convincing you to marry a girl, but he at least insists that you marry someone that comes from... background. I know you have no intentions on running your father's company - but I can! If I marry you - I have your father's blessing, by the way, it cost me quite a lot - Then I will inherit a company larger than what any of my brothers have!"

 _You're fucking insane,_ Yixing wants to say, _He's not my fucking father. I'm not a slab of pork he can just fucking sell off._ But right now, all he can experience is the overwhelming sense of helplessness and an acute observation of how entirely fucked he is right now.

“Don't glare at me, I just gave you something... Just a little something to... make you stay,” Paohui says sweetly, “You are my future husband, after all. Why would I hurt you?”

“Lagao!” Yixing shouts out. The arms around him are constricting and rough, trapping Yixing in his hold. He tries to kick out, lash out, but his limbs aren’t cooperating.

“It’ll be over soon,” Paohui says in a soothing manner, “Just need some photos of you, and we can be married!”

Photos? Alarmed, Yixing begins to struggle even harder, but the drug is deep in his veins. There are hands tugging at his tee and the rubber band of his pants, and Yixing has never felt so humiliated and insulted in his life before.

Eyes closed shut in defiance, he grounds out, “I’m a man. If you think blackmailing me with naked photos will work, you clearly don’t know me enough.”

“Oh, but what would happen to your little boyfriend, then? If they all know he had been dating a slut? Isn’t he a lawyer, hmm? What would his boss think, hmm?”

His pants slip onto the ground, and Yixing closes his eyes, his face burning up with humiliation as his T-rex-over-the-crotch boxers are exposed to view. He can hear a short "tsk" from Paohui's direction, and then there are fingers around the elastic of his boxers as well.

"Nu!" Yixing tries to scream, tries to kick out, but all his legs do are twitch. 

"Stop resisting me." Paohui says, clearly annoyed, "Your boyfriend's a cheating skank, anyway, right? Are you going to go back and live with a cheater?"

"Dunt... sai... th.... ab... abu... abud... srhn..." Yixing manages to ground out, but he knows the defeat can be clearly seen in his eyes. Almost unbiddingly the images of those photographs pop up again, like they are sheared into the back of his brain, taunting him, reminding him that to Sehun, Yixing was just subpar.

"I'm right, aren't I?" Paohui continues, "He doesn't love you anymore. He betrayed you, betrayed your love. Why should you keep thinking bout him? Why not come back and marry me? Together, we can punish him. He was born a commoner, he will always be one! He will never treat you the way I can!"

Yixing flings his head from left to right vigorously.

"Really, Yixing? Can he play golf with you for 6 hours every day in the sun? Can he buy you identical white shirts from all the different luxury brands in the world and send them to be dry cleaned every day? Can he afford to burn real money in a music video? Can he buy you unicorn frappes for breakfast every morning, with cakes imported fresh from Italy? Can he buy mineral water and pour it out into a glass instead of drinking it from the bottle like a normal person? Can he hold large sex parties in a mansion? Can he buy your favourite boyband a daesang? Well neither can I, but I can make you your own daesang! What could Oh Sehun possibly do to be better than me?"

Well first, he's hot, he's young. He's intelligent, and hard-working. He's honest, caring, considerate, sensitive, funny, witty, loving, genuine, handsome, and polite. The way he smiles reminds Yixing of the stars in the sky, every little noise he makes swells Yixing's heart. Late at night, he'd stay up revising for an exam, but he'd always have a smile and a soft, loving "Thank you" when Yixing gave him some food. No matter how shit Yixing's cooking was, Sehun would eat it all and praise him, encourage him. When Yixing had artist's block, Sehun would spend hours with him just brainstorming, getting his brain to go again so he could finish a task on time for his clients. His cuddles were always amazing, always so full of affection, making Yixing feel secure and safe.

Above all, he looked at Yixing like Yixing had hung the moon and stars in the sky.

And even above that? Yixing was whipped for him. No matter what Sehun did, Yixing loved him more than anything else in the world, more than his art, more than himself. Despite everything that had happened, Yixing still loved him, and nothing could change that.

Plus, Sehun, who is accustomed to office work, who has a little flabby stomach, is now trying to deck two guys double his size.

‘Trying’ is the key word. Endearing, really, only now Yixing’s pretty sure Sehun’s nose is broken as he falls backward, one of the henchmen’s hand curled into a satisfying fist. The drug in his system is slowly wearing off, and Yixing takes the opportunity to kick the left henchmen in the crotch.

FUck, his dick is made out of steel. 

“Come on!” Paohui whines, “Someone take the idiot boytoy away! This is taking way too long!”

The two “someone”s holding Yixing’s arms lets go of him at the same time, and Yixing falls forward like he’s about to make sweet love to the ground.

Or, like a sack of bricks. Feels like it, anyway.

But before he can fuck the muddy ground of the park, there are lanky arms catching him.

"Yixing!" Sehun, darling Sehun is there.

"Fack urf." Yixing slurs, but he's happily falling into Sehun's grasp, clinging onto familiarity, clinging onto the man he loves with all his heart and soul. Only Yixing’s not that light and Sehun’s not that strong and they end up both sprawled on the ground, making intimate contact with the grass and bugs that inhabit the park at night.

“Separate them!” Paohui shrieks, throwing his hands in the air, “I won’t let this star-crossed lovers bullshit happen in MY house!”

Tightening his grip on Sehun’s arm as much as he could, Yixing clung closer to him as the two henchmen advanced on them once again.

A horrifying bark rips through the night, and all five of them turn to see a white ball bounding in the distance, getting bigger and bigger rapidly as it approaches.

“Vivi, go away!” Sehun shouts as the dog runs close.

“Oh. My. God.” Paohui cries, his voice breaking from all the screaming he had been doing, and he chokes on his own saliva for a good half a minute before he can complete his sentence. “I’m calling PETA! This is animal cruelty to order dogs around! They are independent animals that don’t need no human!”

But what if...

Vivi’s not an animal?

Cue dramatic music, and then Vivi’s tail starts to glow, until it’s a blinding white that Yixing could hardly look at. A hysterical laugh bubbles out of Yixing’s throat, but because he still can’t really control his facial muscles, he ends up choking on it until his face is red and Sehun is patting his back aggressively.

Everyone stays motionless as Vivi’s glowing tail starts to morph, changing from a white ball into three sausages which continues to grow in length, until it reaches around 7 or 8 metres.

Vivi is a tentacle monster.

Yixing did not see that coming.

Sorry, alien. 

“Go Vivi!” Sehun does a small fist pump as he whispers this under his breath.

“What is this sorcery?” Paohui gasps in horror, “Kill this unknown thing, there’s no point in calling the police!”

Vivi narrows his eyes, and then two of his tentacle sausages fly straight over Yixing’s head to crash into Paohui, knocking him back into the park bench. 

“Ow!” The man groans, “My spine could have broke!”

Exchanging a glance, the two henchmen put their hands inside their jackets, but then Vivi’s other tentacles are lashing out, slapping against their arms, making them recoil as they are forced to drop whatever they took out. From Left henchman’s hands a taser drops onto the ground, while Right henchman’s smartphone is now in pieces. 

“I just wanted to throw this onto snapchat,” the man moans, nursing his now bleeding hand.

There’s a bruise forming on left henchman’s hand, but he doesn’t seem deterred by Vivi’s true form as he picks up his taser gun and shoots in Vivi’s direction. Electricity hits Vivi’s forehead, and Yixing’s cry of alarm is swallowed back forcefully as Vivi’s fur puffs up into a swollen ball from the static, making him look like a walking cloud.

A walking cloud with glowing tentacles, that is.

A low rumble emanates from Vivi’s throat, and his ears are flattened backwards, clearly enraged. Right henchman finally pulls his taser gun out and aims it straight at Sehun, but one of Vivi’s tentacles quickly whip it away, adding yet another gaping wound on the henchman’s hands.

“You can’t attack me when it’s not your turn!” Sehun yowls, “South Park rules! Besides, you on the right! Vivi just applied ‘bleeding’ on you! You should be losing 10 HP every turn!”

“OOh I’m dyingggggg,” Right henchman cries dramatically, then, from his pocket, pulls out a burrito and throws the whole thing down his throat. “But I have a status removal potion! And I gain 75 HP from that!”

“Dude, that’s cheating.” Sehun mutters, but Vivi is already off again. This time two tentacles wrap around Right henchman’s throat, lifting him off the ground, while the third jabs straight for Left henchman’s right eye.

“You guys are fucking insane!” Left henchman howls as he clutches his eye, blood seeping through his fingers, “I didn’t sign up to work for a lunatic to fight a nerd and his alien dog!” Off he goes, stumbling over his own feet as he escapes the scene.

“I pay yoU!” Paohui shrieks, his voice cracking at the last note, but his cries of despair fall upon deaf ears.

Right henchman swallows nervously as Vivi turns his beady eyes on him, and then two tentacles are shooting straight between his legs.

A grab, a twist.

“You can’t just use alien dogs to advance plot purposes.” Right henchman wheezes, his face completely pale as he cradles his crotch gingerly, dashing off into the sunset as well.

Yixing flexes his toes, and, upon discovering he has regained most control over his weak muscles, happily sits up properly as he continues to watch the drama unfold.

Paohui’s standing up on his feet, backing away slowly as Vivi’s tentacles waves tauntingly in front of him.

“I’ll pay you!” Paohui pleads, “No, I’ll worship you! Don’t touch me!”

Vivi punches him in the nose with a tentacle.

“OW!” Paohui croaks, clutching his nose.

“Wait, you still haven’t solved your first problem!” Paohui suddenly pipes up, rubbing his bleeding nose, “Oh Sehun is still a lying cheat!”

Yixing narrows his eyes. “Just shut up.” He scoffs, “Sehun came here for me, you can go fuck off.”

“Ha!” Paohui says dismissively, “Do you not have the photos in your mind? Oh Sehun, kissing another person, in a shirt that he only got in the past few months? Are you not convinced that he is, has been, will be cheating on you?”

“Hey!” Sehun snaps, “I don’t know where they came from, but I never cheated on Yixing! I love him! Why would I cheat on him!”

Vivi’s eyes begin to glow red, and then a holographic image pops up in front of all four of them.

It’s a miniature model, but Yixing can easily recognize it as Paohui and Left henchman.

_“Sir, the target has left his residence.” Mini left henchman bows respectfully, “Should we intercept now?”_

_“Ha!” Mini Paohui says triumphantly, “Everything is going accordingly to my evil plan! I knew these photos would push him over the edge.”_

_“Sir,” The henchman squeaks, “How did you get those photos?”_

_“There is nothing technology cannot do,” Paohui said loftily, “Photoshop and Gimp are my personal favourites. Snapchat location also helps, of course.”_

_“Y- you made those photos yourself?” Slightly incredulous, the henchman frowns._

_“Of course not, don’t be silly.” Paohui stares into the camera like he’s in the office, “There is nothing money cannot buy in this world.”_

Vivi blinks and then the image disappears, and save the three tentacles still waving lazily behind him, he’s just like a regular old bichon puppy again.

“So Vivi really is an alien?” Yixing asks, giddy laughter bubbling out of his chest as the absurdity of the entire evening sinks into his mind.

“Didn’t you already know?” Sehun smiles, pecking Yixing’s lips. “As for you- did you know how worried I was?”

Yixing pouted. “Well, I thought...”

“You should have kicked _me_ out of the house, not wandered off yourself!” Sehun whines. “I didn’t know where you went, and then Vivi was gone so I couldn’t track you down - Are you cold? Are you hurt? I can just heat up some stew when we get home, alright? I can carry you on my back?”

“All of them, Sehun,” Yixing says, his heart fluttering as he goes to pull Sehun closer by the back of his neck, and he whispers against Sehun’s mouth, “Do anything you want to me.” Warm lips press against his own urgently as Sehun presses closer, drawing Yixing’s tongue out in an elaborate tango as their kiss becomes more and more heated, blood rushing downwards towards their nether regions as they moan against each other’s mouths, breathless, yet unwilling to separate for even one second.

At this juncture, the forgotten antagonist scrambles to his feet, taking advantage of the two lovebirds as he attempts to make a breakthrough. After all, there is still chance as long as he can live to tell the tale another day. Might get rich off it.

“Wait! We can’t let him get away!” Yixing gasps, tearing his mouth away from Sehun, “He’ll expose Vivi!”

Then Vivi’s three tentacles are morphing into one, glowing thing with a tapered tip on top, and it shoots right across time and space and-

//

When the dust settles, Paohui is twitching on the floor in an undignified manner, white foam pooling out of his mouth.

“Is he dead?” Sehun asks, mortified. Vivi barks indignantly.

Yixing, however, asks the important question. “Did you just- probe him in the ass?”

Vivi’s tail wags even harder. Yixing opens his mouth, and then closes it again. He stares at the tentacle extending from Vivi’s tail, and momentarily thinks of Sehun.

“Don’t have to be jealous,” Sehun shrugs, seemingly coming to terms with Vivi’s actions, hugging Yixing from behind, “I’ll happily probe you in the ass for the rest of my life.”

//

Five years later, no secret service agent has come for Vivi, and no one reports a murder in the park so Yixing just assumes Vivi took care of Paohui some way or another. Yixing’s sitting on the sofa watching TV, Vivi next to him. Sehun is still at work at the firm, in negotiations of becoming a partner.

A Campbell ad plays on the TV. It’s Star Wars themed.

“Sehun likes Star Wars,” Yixing says absently, “Is it because of you, or is it because of Junmyeon?”

Vivi’s tail whacks painfully against the soft leather.

The ad is about two gay dads.

“Sehun likes children,” Yixing mumbles. Vivi cocks his head to one side.

“Hey,” Yixing suddenly says, glancing down at Vivi. The dog stares back at him. Yixing swallows, but continues his question. “Is there a way you could make me pregnant?”

Vivi’s eyes glints.

**Author's Note:**

> In Chinese, “Si Paohui” means expendable character. In other words, he’s the guy that was created to die. The literal translation of those three words are “Shitty Cannon Fodder”
> 
> Leave a comment and kudos if you like my fic!!
> 
> HI I KNOW I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO ADD STUFF AFTER POSTINGS BUT I REALLY WANT TO SCREAM ABOUT THE MOODBOARD THE EXONAUT MODS MADE IT'S SO LOVELY PLEASE GO LOOK AT IT


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